i believe in the concept that words mean things. this is a direct contradiction to my personality because i say a lot of stuff and then immediately wish to take it back. but it’s too late. the words hit the table and fall to the floor in a pile of all the other bullshit i wish i hadn’t said. i don’t say things i don’t mean, but i don’t always mean them for more than a few brief moments. i get caught up in my emotions and just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. nothing ever makes sense the way i want it to.
my mom always told me never to put emotions in writing or e-mail because the recipient will have a permanent reminder of what you said (not only that, but they can broadcast your thoughts whenever the mood strikes them). like when you write in a notebook and press too hard. you can throw the page out, but the next few pages are marked with pain an eraser can’t cure. this is why i don’t like announcing my feelings. again: in direct opposition to me because lately i don’t think i’ve met a feeling i didn’t share. seems now that i’ve got transparency down, i need to work on restraint.
all i can really do is continue doing what i’m doing. try to make each day a bit better than the last. try to be a little kinder and more understanding, because that’s all i really expect from someone in return. sometimes words just get in the way.
sometimes i think what it would be like if i could take back my words and save myself the shame, the sadness, the unmistakable sense of embarrassment i have come to associate with being me, but i can’t stand the thought of losing the smiles, the moments, the laughter.